Colic

I have been thinking about this for a long time and I think I just need to write it out.

I am scared to death of going through colic again.

The 3 day, pitocin induced, labor with no pain killers (or at least any that worked), does not phase me a bit. I could do that again in a heartbeat. But going through colic again has me terrified.

I waited YEARS to become a mother. We tired so hard to become parents. We thought it may never happen, or at least not unless we adopted. I think this is the ONLY reason I did not go insane during the almost ENTIRE YEAR of colic! I was just so glad to finally be a mother. Because of colic, Julia was almost an only child. I just could not imagine trying to juggle another kid with as demanding as she was, and when she finally outgrew the colic, I could not imagine going through it again!

Colic was also really rough on our marriage. I know a lot of couples who say that the colic had brought them closer, but not us. Julia's first year of life was the ONLY time in our almost 9 years of marriage that both Jerrod and I considered divorce. We were both just so frustrated, tired, and upset that we took it out on each other. We both said some pretty hurtful things to each other. I didn't think we would every work things out. But eventually, the colic got better and the strain on our marriage eased up. It took awhile to repair the damage, but we did and then some. We have had many long talks about what the colic did to our marriage and have both admitted to making mistakes. Our marriage is now much stronger than it was before we went through the colic, but it almost tore it apart in the process.

Colic was also really hard on me as a mother. I constantly felt like I was doing something wrong. My baby was screaming constantly and nothing I did made her better. I did all the right things during pregnancy; I never drank, smoked or did drugs, I took all my vitamins, I watched what I ate, I stayed away from ANYTHING that would be harmful to the baby. Even after Julia was born I continued to do everything "right"; I breastfed, I took proabiotics, eliminated all the food that could be upsetting her tummy from my diet, I swaddled her, I wore her in a baby carrier, etc., but nothing helped. I would take her to the pediatrician and beg for her to make Julia better. They would take blood and try several types of medicine, but nothing helped. The "old school" dr. in the practice (not my normal dr.), told me once that it was just colic and she would eventually get over it. Easy for him to say, he is not the one dealing with a screaming kid.

I "wore" Julia a LOT doing this time. I would put her in the baby wrap carrier and spend my time trying to soothe her. The wrap carrier was about the only thing that even remotely helped. I would walk and walk and walk, while singing to her to try to calm her down. I remember eventually laying her in her crib each evening so Jerrod and I could eat supper in relative peace. She would scream the ENTIRE time! It just broke my heart! Night times were just as bad. She would wake up every 30-45 minutes screaming. I was so grateful that I breastfed, because I would get her to latch on and then fall back to sleep. Julia would eventually nurse herself back to sleep too. Then 30 minutes later we would start the process over again. I know a lot of people frown upon co-sleeping, but it really worked for us. I could not imagine going through that without co-sleeping. Some nights I was lucky to get 1-2 hours of sleep TOTAL for the night. Then I had to try to function at work the next morning. And just forget about getting any work done around the house, that just did not happen.

I just wanted everything to be perfect for Julia, especially after everything we went through to finally be parents. I just could not understand where I had failed so badly to cause the hell we were going through. I really did feel like a failure as a mother. I did not think motherhood was supposed to be so hard. I would look at the mothers around me and not understand what I was doing wrong.

Even after the colic finally went away, Julia was still a "high-needs" baby until she was about 18+ months. Then she finally started to mellow out and became a "happy child". Now she is a wonderfully joyful toddler to be around. She is just so happy and playful (most of the time). I really hate to think that Julia was miserable for those first 18 months of her life.

I know we could deal with the colic again if we had to. We have survived it once, we could do it again. We also learned a great deal in the process. I don't think it would be as rough on us a second time around, but that does not mean it still does not terrify me! I have also mellowed a lot as a parent and am more laid-back about my parenting.

All that said.....I am REALLY looking forward to having a tiny baby in the house again! But PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, let Jude be more easy going as a baby.......